


A Life Never Had

by YesIAmPlease



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Shadowgast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24850759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YesIAmPlease/pseuds/YesIAmPlease
Summary: Everyone has nights where they can't sleep, lying awake daydreaming to pass the time. Essek is no different, as he lays there thinking of a life he could've never had.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	A Life Never Had

Essek laid there, various feelings swimming in his mind. He felt sad, relieved, scared, regretful, self-righteous, angry, both trapped and free. He took a deep breath and turned on his side to face the wall. He was tired, very tired, but not enough in the right way to sleep. He half expected to get a random message from Jester, it should be about 3am by now, but he put that thought out of his mind. He started thinking, thinking about his life, could’s and could not’s. 

_What if things had been different? What if you never knew what I had done? Or what if I’d met you three and a half years ago? Would I have still done it? Maybe you would’ve found out and talked me out of it. Maybe I wouldn’t have considered it in the first place if I’d had you. How would that have gone? Heh, I’d probably just embarrass myself, trying to be good. I was never ‘good,’ I don’t think I ever could be. After meeting you and seeing what a good person is, I know I couldn’t._

_But I’d try, I’d try for you. And maybe we’d leave, go somewhere far, where no one has ever even heard of Wynandir. Adventuring is NOT for me, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to join for a small excursion or two. I think I’d like that, I hope you’d like it too. Maybe in our travels we’d find a nice place, a good peaceful place that we’d happily move to. A beautiful house with plenty of room, lots of books on lots of shelves and cat-themed knick-knacks all around. A study we’d share, so we could work together whenever we wanted to. I could teach you new things, and I bet you’d have plenty to teach me too. Late nights, just you and me sitting and reading by each other’s side. A comfortable silence. A blissful silence. I’d get sad when you’d have to go off on some adventure, but you’d always come back and we’d have each other again. Maybe even one day, in the distant far off future, after a long time we might decide to officiate that arrangement, if you came to think of me as good enough._

_It would be small, with no specific seating arrangement. There’d be no point in having one side be mine and one side yours when I’d have no one to invite anyway. We’d have to discuss who would be the officiator. Jester would do a fine job, I’m sure, but I don’t know if she’s technically qualified. Fjord as a ship captain is, though, but Caduceus would be a good option, too. I don’t really care about the decorations that much, but it would be fun to have a theme. Maybe Sun and Moon? Cliche, but classic. You could pick out the cake, I don’t really care for sweets. I’d probably wear something black and purple with dots of different colors to look like stars. I could see you wearing white and gold, and you'd be wearing a wreath of flowers in your hair. I'd probably be wearing one, too. I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t cry while reciting my vows to you. I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t cry while listening to your vows to me. I’d have to use prestidigitation before the reception. And during. And after, too. Speeches, a toast, dinner shifting into a party. I wouldn’t mind dancing if I spent the evening dancing with you._

_And after some time, maybe, possibly, we could think about adopting a child or two, or three. Three is a good number. You would probably make an excellent father, and I’d do my best by them, too. We’d have to think of good ways to discipline, ways that don’t involve pain, and to be sure to encourage more than one part of who they are. They’d be more well rounded that way. As for schooling, we could try teaching them, I liked teaching you. Teaching children would be different, of course, but I’d go slow and be kind. I’m sure I could figure out how to make it work. We’d also need to be sure to show them we love them. I would make sure they knew I loved them. I’d hold them to hold them, and I’d kiss them to kiss them, not to get something out of them or as a ‘reward’ or for leverage. I..._

Essek felt hot tears well as he forced his eyes tighter shut. His arms wrapped around himself as he curled up, keeping from making any sound.

_I would show them that I loved them, and that they wouldn’t have to impress me for me to be proud of them. And when I’d inevitably mess up and hurt them, I’d acknowledge what I did and do anything to make it right. And hopefully, when they’d grow up, they’d feel like they would always have a home and a family. Like if they needed to come back, they could, and they’d always have a place if they needed somewhere to go. Whatever they wanted, whatever they needed, they wouldn’t be ignored. I’d love them. We’d love them. We wouldn’t keep them from the world, but we’d make sure their scars never ran as deep. We’d help them grow, and they’d go out on their own and hopefully make the world a brighter place, maybe bring home some grandchildren, but there’d be no pressure for that._

_We could continue on like that. Maybe...grow old...together...? I don’t have to look like me, I don’t have to be a drow or an elf or whatever else. It would be easier out in the world as a human, right? It would be less painful to see, at least. And then I wouldn’t have to live without you, or at least no where near as long. We could be that elderly couple that sits on their porch every morning with blankets and coffee, silently reading next to each other like we’d always do. We could..._

Essek was snapped out of his fantasy, hearing sobs from further down the hall. He was annoyed, at least he had the self control to keep his crying silent. He couldn't judge, though. They're probably here for the long haul, at least he gets to be executed in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a story I read once about a man about to be hanged. There was an entire daydream sequence about him escaping and making it back home to his wife before the board was dropped and he fell. This is supposed to be if Essek were caught, tried, and had been left to await his execution. There are so many things that could be racing through his mind, I figured a comforting daydream would probably come to him, too.


End file.
